Reminiscing and Chewing over past regrets...

Woke up this morning to get back to work. sighz. it was a extremely long weekend, and one that i certainly enjoyed. its just a teeny-tiny-itsy-bitsy depressing to wake up early again to go to work (ok ok, its not a bit, its very >.<). furthermore, my seniors and boss are on leave, so effectively i've got nothing to do for the rest of the day. mind you, i'm not one of those Office-Loafers as written in the newspapers, its just that i genuinely have nothing to do *innocent look* (yes yes, flowerger, you can stop sniggering! >.<).

it was a good chinese new year for me. i met up with my relatives and cousins, and of course gambled away (won $5! yes, its not a lot but at least i won money :p). the wollongong gang came over to my place yesterday and i'm pretty sure we all had a great time. it felt good to see everyone sitting down in my living room, chatting and catching up. the air of togetherness is something i always enjoy and there was an abundance of that yesterday. we got the entire gang to play Shithead as well (to flowerger's obvious delight, i sure >.<) and laughter bubbled out easily. it was really a reminiscence of days back in wollongong and i can't wait to get a flat with my oliphant so that we can resurrect the Friday Gatherings (yes flowerger, then we can play Shithead every week >.<). pardon me, but i'm starting to sound a bit mundane and old with all that recollecting and wishy-washy stuff.

i had to run off with my oliphant to my Student Council's gathering. we were having such a good time that i wished we could have continued and stayed at my place (sounds a bit cliche, but its true >.<). i reached my friend's place late, only to find that i was the second person there. haiz. after so long, the council's habit of late attendence is still prevalent. it was good to see old faces and i think i haven't seen some of them for two years or more. perhaps its becoz of this fact that i started to feel the distance between us. somehow, there is an invisible barrier that prevents me from calling them my close friends. i remember thinking in my JC days that we'll always be good friends, keep in touch and all that stuff/crap/bullshit (choose one, take your pick, they all mean the same >.<), but it seems that this 'prophecy' has failed. am i disappointed? in some way, i guess. you can never have too many friends. but then again, i dun really blame them for that distance that has grown.

first of all, i flew to australia to study and being in another country is hard to keep in touch. secondly, whenever i came back, i joined them occasionally and didn't get all of the gathering invitations. thirdly and perhaps most pressing in my mind, is that my past self wasn't that worthy of a friend. although i didn't know it at that point of time and do know now, i can't name one person that i was close with in the council. as a group, we've been through a lot: planning, working, cheering etc etc. but at the end of our term as a council, i still haven't found someone who i can call a close friend. i guess i was an outcast in some ways due to my immature, childish and lousy attitude and the others avoided me as much as possible. i dun blame them for it as i have only myself to blame. if given the chance, will i go back and change whatever i've done? of course. why shouldn't i? my attitude was poor and i refused to acknowledge the (cold-hard-stark-naked-staring-in-my-face) truth, much less change it in my JC days.

do you guys still have your autograph books from your schooling days? i still have mine and i yanked it out when i finally reached home. as i lay on my bed, i read through the various entries and words start to jump out: loud, violent, attention-seeking. even though there are lines such as 'you are a really great councillor', 'you are a good friend' blah blah blah, i wonder if they really meant it. is it because they feel that they have to write something nice and thus write such lines? if so, i'm not surprised and neither do i blame them for it. i would have prob done the same. when i told my oliphant abt my chewing over past regrets, she replied that as long as i dun carry them too much. with constant meeting-ups and gatherings, memories are revived and the past dreg up. regrets then start to surface again and i chew on them again. the vicious cycle continues.

its almost like i'm behaving like a child/puppy, always desperately seeking approval from my friends. not in the parental sense of approval, but approval in the sense of being popular and well-liked. i really want to get to know my council friends better and hang out with them. but somehow i get the feeling that i'm still being viewed as my past self, who has imposed a horrendous mile-wide gap between us. sure, i have other friends but the same statement comes in again: you can never have too many friends. i want to make up for my past deeds and i really want to show that i'm not the same as before but i'm not sure if i'll ever get a chance to do so. or maybe i haven't really changed and my past self simmers at the surface. i wonder how the rest of my friends view me now. on and on, the downward spiral of depression turns and throws up the dirt of regrets and memories.

if you have read till this far, i applaud for your steadfastness in reading this happy-turned-depressive post *standing ovation amid whistles and calls of "steady lah!" and "power man!"*. i have my oliphant and i'm happy as i can be. i have someone who loves me and i love her in return. sure, there are things that i hope will change for the better. but then again, who doesn't have any? in the meantime, i'll enjoy as much as i can in this life and live my life with my oliphant. regrets can be underrated or over-rated, but they can be useful and make one a better person sometimes.