War-On-Flab: D-Day Minus Eight

Gentlemen. We have astonishing news to report on the war front.

Firstly, the City-of-Pullups. As we have last reported, the enemy, Weak-Arms, have taken control of the city and are heavily fortified. Despite the Discipline-Artillery, the Persistent-Rangers and Keep-Trying-Paratroopers, the results have been mixed. Neither side has been able to control the entire city. Fighting has been fierce in the built-up areas. Casualties are mounting, but I believe we were gaining ground slowly and steadily.

However, on this final day of reckoning, a miracle happened. A typhoon broke out and wiped out almost all of our enemies. Our troops, stunned by this occurrence, pushed through the remaining token resistance and secured a famous victory! The City-of-Pullups is ours!

Secondly, the Cliff-of-Shuttle-Runs. Due to its close proximity to the Coast-of-Jogging, Flabby-Thighs were divided to concentrate on these two areas, and hence our army did likewise. Buoyed by the victory at the City-of-Pullups, our army fought hard at the Cliff-of-Shuttle-Runs. The battle was short but arduous. However, we have secured a slight advantage over the enemy and are planning for the next decisive operation. We have every confidence that we will defeat them in the next few days.

Thirdly, Sit-up Town. With the additional supplies and reinforcements, our army has taken over the town and eradicated the enemy, Spare-Tire Tummy! We do not expect any further trouble from Sit-up Town.

Fourth, the Forest-of-SBJ. To be frank, this area had come as a shock to us. We had not accounted for this surprising obstacle. Our first few attempts in trying to push through this forest, were met with strong resistance. Scouts and reconnaissance troops were sent to verify the strength and identity of the enemy. The enemy was identified as Weight-and-Disuse.

After much discussion, we deployed the Practice-Guerrillas to combat this new threat. Before the final day of reckoning, a few exercises were conducted to ensure that we have sufficient preparation. The extra effort paid off as we pushed back the enemy who were no doubt surprised by our teamwork and efficiency. The Forest-of-SBJ is ours!

Lastly, the Coast-of-Jogging. Despite our constant barrage and frontal attacks, the enemy has held firm. We thought we were succeeding in this war of attrition, but they launched a surprising counter-attack and regained their lost ground. In addition, recent reports suggested that the enemy had additional resources and had an advantage over us.

Thanks to your continual support, we poured additional resources and troops into this front. Before the final day of reckoning, we managed to decimate much of the enemy troops, Flabby-Thighs. Encouraged by such news and with all the victories at the various fronts, our troops charged once more on the final day and won the Battle-for-Jogging!

In summary, we have secured victories in all of the fronts except the Cliff-of-Shuttle-Runs. However, we are in various stages of discussion and are determined to win this final battle front. We shall not fail and disappoint! We shall prevail and overcome!

This concludes our report on the War-On-Flab. Thank you.

The meeting is adjourned.