"We said we were gonna play the game, like we had nothing to lose." - Danny Ocean from "Ocean's Eleven"

Sitting down, i thought to myself, "This is it. Lets take the plunge. Its all or nothing."

As the events fall into place like jigsaw pieces fitting each other perfectly, my stomach started to clenched in a tight knot.

My shoulders tensed up. My entire body went rigid and my palms grew sweaty. I kept thinking, "Please don't fail. Please don't fail. Please don't fail. Come on. Come on. Come on."


And then, it finally arrived.

Was i mis-seeing, indulging in a wish fulfillment? I found myself unable to speak, unable to rise to the occasion in any fashion. I mutely showed what i had.

My friends were stunned into silence. All of them stared in shock, their eyes couldn't quite believe what had happened. Only one recovered in time to whisper...

... ...

...

"Five-tai"

...

As exhilaration coursed through my body, the tension is released. All of a sudden, i felt weak and drained of energy. But how i felt was of no consequence and no importance. The next round has begun...

-----

Despite this happening three times, winning money is still always a good feeling.

Yes. Yes. I know. I'm rubbing it in. But hey, all of us are entitled to a little bit of self-congratulatory and vanity, are we not? :D

Words of Wisdom from Very Wise Taxi Drivers

While i was taking a taxi back to the office on Friday, i struck up a comfortable conversation with the driver. He proudly stated his heritage:

1. He's a orphan. His father died, and his mother left him.
2. He has next to no education at all.
3. As a result of that, he has "seen the world".
4. But because he has believed in Buddhism, he has taken a vow and turned over a new leaf
5. However, that doesn't stop him from having a girlfriend despite having a wife and kids.
6. The said girlfriend is also married with kids.
7. For the three years that they were together, she has never bought him a present during his birthday.
8. He recently bought a $490 gold necklace for his girlfriend as a present, but she pawned it and left the receipt with him.
9. This incident was the last straw that broke the camel's back. He admitted to not being very familiar with such affairs, but his girlfriend has "taught" him until he's familiar.
10. He plans to abandon his girlfriend now.

With all these "sight-seeing of the world", he has a few Pearls of Wisdom to share:

• A girlfriend is like a handphone. If you don't pay the service charge, the service will be terminated.
  
• On the other hand, a wife is like a television. You only need to pay once and can use for free after that.
• A girlfriend is like a handphone. You take it where-ever you go.
• A wife is like a television. You leave it at home.

Don't you just love taxi drivers? They have a simple uncomplicated view of life. :)

Ok, this is slightly embarrassing now... Since it happened twice... (-.-)

I...

*Bashes head against the table*

Must...

*Bashes head against the table again*

Remember...

*Bashes head against the table again*

To...

*No wait, table's broken, bashes head against the wall*

Zip...

*Bashes head against the wall again*

My...

*Bashes head against the wall again*

Pants...

*Bashes head against the wall again*

Before...

*Bashes head against the wall again*

Going...

*Bashes head against the wall again*

Out...

*Bashes head against the wall again*

*dazedly looks around, fumbling for something to hang on to* Why do i have two doors in my room? And why is the room spinning?

*collapse*

The Loss of Innocence, Naviety & The Child In Us.

As i trundle through the train station, i started to ponder how we have changed when we enter the working life. Not exactly the ideal thoughts you need for a good start to a Friday morning.

Flowerger's rant that people didn't help her when she fell, wasn't new. When a little girl drowned, no one tried to rescue her earlier despite two lifeguards on duty. Overall, it just seems that people turn into cold, heartless and ruthless bastards when they enter the working world. The helpful and happy children we once were, seemed to have vanished like the morning mist dissipated by the burning sun.

Isn't it sad, i thought as i entered the train, that we lose all our morality and happiness when we start working? As i glanced around for a place to stand, blank faces greeted me. Each occupied in their own thoughts and miserable lives. As the train rumbled through the stations, i thought about how we were as children.

When we were young, we were invincible. We were rebellious in our own right because we only thought for ourselves. We got hurt fast and healed fast, both mentally and physically. We didn't need to care about how others were doing. We didn't need to care about how food got onto the table. We didn't need to care about our pay and whether the boss knew how hard we worked.

All that mattered in our minds were friendships, how to attract the opposite sex, when the next meal was and when the next gathering was. Life was much simpler then. We just did as we were told, or did as we please. There wasn't any consequences for us to heed, nor any life's direction we needed to think about. We lived to the fullest, each day at a time in true spontaneity.

Those were the good times, i thought wryly as i shrugged through the crowd and stepped off at my train station. Now wounds take longer to heal, both mentally and physically. Now we have to worry about how others are doing. Now we need to care about how food got onto the table. Now we have to worry about our pay and whether the boss knew about hard we worked. Now we have to think for ourselves and push the work to others because we aren't paid to do their job.

Consequences are something we have to think of every single time we make a decision, sign something or do something. We push for confirmation 'in black and white' via email, writing or fax because others will bear the consequences. We don't dare to commit both verbally and in writing because of consequences. Every thing we do these days, we think over it again and again, pondering if we should do so and the consequences that come with it.

Should i help that girl that fell down? If so, will i get scolded because i implied that she's weak?

Should i help that guy who is drowning? Thats the lifeguard's job, not mine so why should i do someone else's work? Let them bear the consequences. Besides he might be having a cramp and he could recover by the time i swim over.

When was the last time we did something because we wanted to, and not because of the consequences? I thought sadly as i stared at our company's dark varnished door, rummaging into my pocket for the keys. As i signed in, and made my way to my cubicle, saying my 'good mornings', i realised that ultimately the one single fact remains.

We have changed.

"Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace." - Amelia Earhart

"His voice was very soft in the dim room.

"There is nothing dishonorable about abandoning pain. Sometimes peace is most quickly found when a man simply stops avoiding it."

He shifted slightly in the dark.

"And you never again lay awake all night, staring at the darkness and thinking about them.""

- "Fool's Errand" by Robin Hobb

"What we do in life, echoes in eternity" - Maximus in "Gladiator"

When i read Mela's post extolling on how screwed up the life of a lawyer can be, i realised that lawyers don't have it all to themselves. We engineers are pretty screwed up too.

We aren't exactly normal people. When we confess our profession, people usually run or commit suicide rather than talk to us. If somehow we manage to sneak our way into a conversation because we are so desperate for human company, woe betide anyone who introduces a topic even remotely related to engineering.

For example. An innocent comment on cars will start us explaining on how the engine works and whats the difference between a turbocharger and a supercharger/compressor.

A simple remark on a particular condominium on sale will start us asking how many units does it have and if a substation is provided and if a water tank is needed.

Even a careless discussion on sex will start us calculating on how much friction a body generates when doing the horizontal tango, and given the diameter, how much volume a woman's bosom would approximate.

When normal men look at attractive women, they mentally undress them. When we engineers see a building or machinery, we mentally undress the building/machinery to its details/components to see if it has been done right.

And that is also why there is a profession called Architects. If the shape of the building was left to us engineers, you will end up with a very ugly block of concrete and steel structure hardly worthy of note. Architects slap our fidgety hands out of the design area, issue a stern warning to us, leaving us sulking and pouting, and make the building look like its floating on air, blend in with the landscape or make it so outstanding that every passerby will stop and gawk thereby increasing vehicular accident rates.

And when we check our calculations, we always use a worst-case scenario. We always use big numbers and round-up our figures. That way, we are prepared for the worst. Oh and to be further protected, we multiply a safety factor of 10 to the final number as well. Cautious? That would be a gross understatement. And thats another reason why, in my opinion, true engineers are not good investors. We just don't take risks. :p

We engineers are losers and homebodies. You don't see us at gatherings because no one wants to invite an antisocial creature and ruin the party. You don't see engineers at clubs and pubs because we don't want to cause a mass hysteria or deaths by turning up.

Engineers are not 'hip'. Engineers are not 'in'. Engineers are not 'cool'. Engineers are not 'wicked', or whatever new words you use these days.

Yes. I am well aware. I'm an engineer, albeit a eight-month old one. So what? Doesn't mean i can't bad-mouth my own profession. Nobody has complete monopoly on idiocy, you know.

"The hand that moves unseen, cloaked by the velvet glove of diplomacy." - "Assassin's Apprentice" by Robin Hobb

I can't seem to make up my mind on something. Its been bugging me these days. Maybe you guys can help me out on this one.

Which is more ludicrous?

1. In America, there is a Professional Rock Paper Scissors Association. And there are even people who are actual professional rock paper scissors players. They even have tactics like 'The Toolbox', which is playing scissors all the way. Ain't that nice? The game we all played as kids is now turning into a Professional Losers-Who-Give-Humanity-A-Bad-Name Association. Great. Another childhood game down the drain.
2. Paris Hilton gets a 50% discount on her jail sentence for violating probation, and even gets special treatment and a 'special' room during her jail term. Has anyone told her that the jail bit is not part of her reality-tv show? Or has someone pass the legislation that big-names are above the law, while i wasn't looking?
3. The F1 that is going to be held in Singapore, has a profit cap. But before you burst into spontaneous cheer and applause, the portion that is above the profit cap, will be going to the gah-men. Since when do gah-men-s meddle in the affairs of the private sector? And why do they deserve this portion? The whole event is going to be run by private companies, as far as i can tell.
4. Some people seem to think that homosexuality is a genetic thing, and others seem to think that if that is the price for creativity and spontaneity, then they are willing to let it go. In my opinion, the first set of people are treating homosexuality as some kind of hereditary disease or deformity, and that the second set of people are treating it like some kind of passing fad. WHAT RUBBISH!!! Homosexuality is a free-will choice. To say that it is a genetic thing, is the same as saying that people liking the color 'blue' are genetic as well. *sarcasm* So if i dun like the color 'blue', then i shall set a law criminalizing people who like the color 'blue'. What the fark?!
5. In the eight months that i have working, i have stepped on dog poo once and have worms dropping on me twice. Yes. I know. I'm so lucky i should go buy Toto. Sighz.

I know, i know. Its a difficult choice, isn't it? I'm more inclined to go for Option Five, if i'm honest. (-.-)

War-On-Flab: D-Day Minus Three

Gentlemen. After three weeks of stalemate, the enemy has struck.

I am ashamed to report that we have grown conceited and complacent. We thought that we have won the war. We thought that the enemy has fled. We thought that victory was ours. But we were wrong.

We had conquered and settled into the Coast-of-Jogging. Sit-up Town was ours and victory at the City-of-Pullups didn't seem far off. But after three weeks, the enemy struck back with unexpected ferocity and speed.

Flabby-Thighs burst through our front lines and we were hard-pressed from losing the Coast-of-Jogging. Spare-Tire-Tummy and Weaks-Arms have used the much dreaded Lethargy-Artillery to rain heavy shells on us. In addition, their Excuses-Shock-Troops and Lazy-Armored-Formation has laid seige on us. Our troops are hard-pressed to keep them away from Situp-Town and the City-of-Pullups.

As of now, the situation seems bleak. The battle hangs in the balance and i assure you that we are doing our best to regain our ground.

We cannot lose to the enemy.

We will be victorious.

"A man's silence is wonderful to listen to." - Thomas Hardy

Sat in front of the computer monitor.

Fingers poised above the glowing keyboard.

Thinking deeply and searching for inspiration.

Nothing came.

Sigh.

Not today.

Boring Bits of Stuffy Science

Allow me a momentary indulgence. I would like to explore/share something which has endlessly fascinated me. That something is called 'time'.

In school, we learn about length and breadth, like in a square or a rectangle. Length and breadth are known as the two dimensions, or 2-D for short.

Most of us might know the third dimension: height. So using the same analogy of a square, a cube is a three-dimensional square. It has length, breadth and height. We live in a three-dimensional world because we see length, breadth and height everyday.

Now, what most of us might not know, is there exists a fourth dimension: Time.

This fourth dimension is rather fascinating. We live from moment to moment, second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour. But if we manage to see our lives as a continuous film strip, from birth to death, then we will be seeing the fourth dimension, time.

Which bring me to my main point: time travel. We have endless books and films on this subject. "Back To The Future" is the earliest film i can remember that touched on time travel. H G Wells wrote a book called "The Time Machine" and a movie was made from it. Most of these said books and films seem to believe that as you go faster, you will somehow travel through time.

But all this flim-flam and science fiction ignored a simple fact: it can't be done.

Why?

Two important reasons: relativity and time paradox.

The first reason, relativity, was invented by the famous Albert Einstein. The same person who invented the atomic bomb, only to regret it when he saw the massive destruction it caused. The same person who came up with theories of Light.

According to his theory, as you go faster, the heavier you become. For example, if you travel at infinite speed to travel through time, your mass will become infinitely heavier. And since you become heavier, you become slower. And since you become slower, you can't travel at infinite speed to travel through time.

The second reason is time paradox. This is best illustrated with an example. H G Wells elaborated this clearly in his book/movie. In "The Time Machine", the inventor's wife was killed in a robbery. Consumed with grief and determined to rectify it, he built a time machine to go back into the past to prevent her death. But he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried.

Why?

Because if he did save his wife, then he will have no reason to build the time machine, and hence will not go back to save his wife. A time paradox.

Right. Now that i've gotten that out of my system, i can move on with my life. :)

"When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane." - Hermann Hesse

You know how most people get their fixes, to relieve their stress even if only for a moment? To make their day easier, to make their burden lighter?

There are people who have their 'speed' fix. Most people smoke or take caffeine. Some take marijuana. Some take heroin. Some take drugs.

Well, i have a confession to make.

I have a fix.

Without it, my day gets a lot harder.

Without it, i have withdrawal symptoms. I shiver and have 'running nose'. I will feel listless and have no energy for work. Without it, i just want to lie on the floor, hug my knees to my chest and sleep.

Yes, i have an addiction.

My addiction is...

... ...

Sweets.

And they can't be just ordinary sweets. My addiction is to mint-flavor sweets. Clorets, to be specific.

*snorts up the nose* Aaahhh... Grade A.

Yes, i know. I should be ashamed of myself. I am a healthy man with a bright future and to have such an addiction, i am a disgrace.

But i can't help myself. Believe me, i want to quit. You must believe me. You must.

:D

-----

Yes. I know. I am truly going insane. Blame it on my work. >.<

"The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them." - Robert Frost

The thing about being single is that you can throw all your time and energy into work, and forget everything else. Of course, this means you become a reclusive hermit and ignore the world around you.

Case in point:





When i went out last night, i thought to myself:





Damn. When was the last time i went out?





There are girls everywhere!

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain

Found this here. I like the Aussie one. :D

-----

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them all and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity, and arrest the reporter who leaked the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the *!!%$@@##** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

-----

Happy April's Fool, everyone. :)

War-On-Flab: D-Day Minus Two

Gentlemen. We have good and bad news to report on the war front.

Good news first. The Battle-for-Jogging is almost won. We have pushed the enemy, Flabby-Thighs, much further than we have expected. The enemy is in chaos and are fleeing as we speak. We expect complete victory in the Coast-of-Jogging within the next few weeks.

Now for the bad news. While we were fighting on the Coast-of-Jogging and pushing the enemy back, we engaged two other enemies in Situp-Town and the City-of-Pullups. The enemies were identified as Spare-Tire-Tummy and Weak-Arms respectively.

Because we were ambushed by these two enemies, casualties are high. We have suffered greatly from these two battles. We have since recovered and are fighting for these two places. In Situp-Town, the battle has entered into a stalemate. Neither side is progressing. But with additional supplies and reinforcements coming in, we expect to defeat Spare-Tire-Tummy in a month or so.

The real trouble, is in the City-of-Pullups. The enemy, Weak-Arms, have taken control of the city and are heavily fortified. Our troops are engaging them in Pullup-urban warfare, but the results are poor. We require a lot of support in this area and i ask you, gentlemen, to give us your backing. We need the Discipline-Artillery to shell them out of their buildings, and the Persistent-Rangers and Keep-Trying-Paratroopers to engage them. If such support is given, we are confident that we will eventually prevail and conquer the City-of-Pullups.

In summary, we are confident in our victory in the Coast-of-Jogging and Situp-Town. If you gentlemen are able to give us your backing in the City-of-Pullups, we are likewise confident of an eventual victory.

This concludes our report on the War-On-Flab. Thank you.

The meeting is adjourned.

Parodies at Work

How does one show the multi-cultural aspect of our country? How does one proudly present the racial harmony (read: racial tolerance >.<) that exist in our small island?

By having a courier company (which is owned and mostly run by Indians) celebrate Chinese New Year, by hiring a Lion Dance troop mostly consisting of Malays. 0.o

Or you could simply say: It is a warped world we live in. -.-

-----

It has been insane at work for the past two weeks or so. Daniel took leave last Thursday & Friday and this Monday as well. And when he came back on Tuesday, he was scheduled for his ISO course, as mentioned previously in here, on Thursday and Friday.

Which also meant that i had to cover his projects while he was away. -.-

Naturally, i had to settle my own projects as well. Talking about super-juggling. I suppose its like juggling balls with a colleague, passing them to-and-fro. There are enough balls to keep your hands busy and you think to yourself: I can manage this, as long as my colleague can keep up and not disappear.

Which suddenly, he does.

And someone had mysteriously greased all the balls which you are now stumbling over to juggle.

It is a strange analogy, but one that i can think of right now that describes how i felt then.

-----

The way we number our projects goes like this:

0329-1

First pair of numbers (ie. '03' in this example) represent the year in which the project was awarded to us (in this example, the year 2003).

The second pair of numbers (ie. '29' in this example) represents the running order in which the project is in (in this example, the twenty-ninth one).

If the client wishes to hire us again to do an A&A (Additions & Alterations) for a former project we have done before, then we put a '-1' behind. So in this example, this project is an A&A to the twenty-ninth project awarded to us in 2003.

Clear as mud? :D

-----

So i assume you understand what i mean, when i say i have been handed my first official 2007 project, 0713: The Proposed Development of ISH (Indoor Sports Hall) for six schools.

When I say 'official', i mean that it has a '07' in front. I have had one other project already in 2007, but it doesn't start with '07'.

So, which six schools am i doing it for?
1. Catholic High
2. CHIJ (Toa Payoh)
3. Fairfield Methodist
4. Zhonghua
5. Ai Tong
6. Raffles Girls Primary

One Indoor Sports Hall is okay. One might even call it easy. But for six?

And they are to be built on existing campuses.

And because its 95% sponsored by MOE, the ministry will be following it closely.

And the time frame is tight. Very tight. The first presentation is to be in the middle of April.

One month.

One month to visit all six sites, consider all alternatives, choose the best possible site, design it so that it matches the theme of the existing buildings, and then present it with fingers-crossed, hoping that it won't get shot down by the school or MOE. :p

Oh. And did i mention that we also have to try and incorporate each individual school's request? Knowing them, they will probably try and ride on this project, and ask for lots of things. Things which aren't even related to sports. Like an additional storey for CCA rooms. Or an additional building for classrooms. Or maybe even a whole damn-new campus. -.-

-----

With such a tight time frame, its little wonder why my boss and i are on the edge. I almost hate to think how the architect and C&S engineer feel.

We had visited three schools on Friday 11am, 2.30pm and 4pm. It sure was hectic day. My boss even forgo another meeting to go for the site visits. And we have another three to visit: 9am on Monday, 9am on Tuesday and 10am on Wednesday.
All nice, bright and early on three consecutive days.

Sighz...

Its gonna be a long week. -.-

-----

Right. Whinging time.

We have a few new additional draftsmen / designers, one of which is driving everyone nuts. She prints all the time. And i dun mean printing the normal A4 size paper. She prints the big A1 size which we use to print our services layout. I shudder to think of the money being wasted on paper and ink.

And she is completely fresh in Autocad. It took her one month to learn how to draw a straight line. And an additional week or so to learn how to copy and paste a file. Not 'copy and paste' in Autocad, but a simple 'copy and paste' of a computer file. -.-

And she doesn't seem to comprehend that being told once or twice is enough. We all have explain to her numerous times, but she still asks the same questions over and over and over again.

And her failure to understand questions doesn't stop there. She also fails to understand our directions to correct her mistakes. We write the corrections on the printed-often, error-filled A1 size paper, but she still doesn't do all the corrections. She doesn't check on the computer if she has done all the corrections, and just prints when she thinks she has completed the job.

And she brings all the paper home. Why? I have absolutely no clue.

As a result, my temper has soured and gone downhill. I simply do not have the patience to keep explaining to her the mistakes, keep directing her to do the same corrections, keep finding out that she has screwed something up.

I'm not faulting her attitude, for she constantly asks if she can help. But her behavior really irks not just me, but all of us.

Argh.

"Well has it been said that there is no grief like the grief which does not speak." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

As i stepped into the store, i told myself that i'm just going in to see if they had the books i wanted, and that once i found those books, i would buy them and leave straight away. Liar. You are really hoping to see her, the small voice inside me sneered. Perhaps. But i really want to buy those books, i answered lamely.

As i wandered through the bookshelves, i glanced about, hoping to catch some glimpse of her. When i reached the Fantasy / Science Fiction section, i began looking for the books i want. Occasionally, i would glance about to see if i could spot her.

Sure enough. After a while, i saw a customer asking her something. I saw her lovely head nodding and peeping out of the top of a low bookshelf, as she explained to the customer. I caught a glance of her beautiful face as she turned away to resume her duties.

Trembling slightly, i approached her. I told myself, i'm just going to confirm if that was her. The small voice inside me remained silent.

It was her as she knelt down to sort the various books. It was her beautiful form as she did her duties. It was beyond a shadow of doubt, her.

I fled.

I went back to looking for my books, hoping she would see me and approach me. All the time, i played through the various responses that i would give if she should see and speak to me. Some responses were bitter, some responses were cool and collected, some responses were broken-hearted.

But nay, she didn't see me. You should have approached her, the small voice inside me hissed. Coward. Chicken. Fine, i'll go find her and speak to her, i retorted back. I took the books i wanted and went to find her again, for she had left her earlier position.

As i searched for her, i started to become feverish. Shivers started to run through my body. I felt as if i was drug addict going through cold turkey, and that i was just about to kick the habit completely when i'm offered the drug again and i trembly reached for it.

She was at a counter, talking to another customer. She gestured to him the direction of the book he wanted, and led the way. All this time, i looked from a distance and followed silently. She turned into one of the alleys and showed the customer where the book was. She looked as lovely and as beautiful as ever. My heart ached to hold her in my arms again.

Job done, she turned to walk back to the counter to resume her duties. The dreaded moment had arrived, and all the responses that i had prepared were lost to the whirlwind of emotions i felt.

"Hi! How are you doing?" She smiled as she saw me and approached me. "Been doing some shopping aye?" She gestured to the books in my hand. "You here for coupon day? Do you want me to buy them for you?"

"No... No, i'm good. I... I didn't even know it was coupon day," i stammered.

"You sure? I've got some here. You can use them." She offered as she started to take out the coupons from the tag around her neck.

"No. No. I'm serious. I'm okay, really. I'll buy them on my own." I said hastily.

"So, how are you doing?" She persisted. Tears started to brim my eyes slowly as i looked down and away, "I'm as good as can be expected, i supposed." She nodded slightly.

"So i heard they matched your pay." "They matched my pay?" She looked puzzled and with a hint of dark look on her face. "This store matched your previous job pay," i explained. "Oh yes, they matched my pay. Boy, news sure travel fast, aye?" she said uneasily, her right hand played with her jeans and her legs shifting slightly. Her body language was getting nervous. "Well, i've asked around", i whispered.

"Well, i better get going." I said softly as i started towards a nearby counter. She nodded. After a few steps, she said something which i couldn't quite hear. I looked back and cock my head.

"Its good to see you." Not so good for me however, the small voice inside me whispered.

I smiled sadly and fled from her, as tears threatened to overflow my eyes.

At the counter, i rubbed my eyes furiously and dashed the tears away, determined that no one should see me in this broken state. After paying, i marched determinedly out of the store. From the corner of my eye, i could see that she was back at the counter.

That meeting with her was the wrong thing to do, the small voice inside me rebuked. I could find no response to that.

The whirlwind of emotions continued to rage inside me, as my day went on.

The Knack

This explains why we engineers are so screwed up. :D

"Hold no man responsible for what he says in his grief." - The Talmud

““I am not a changeable man,” he told me. “If I had loved her, I would love her still.”
So. It would never go away.”
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

What must i do to drive the haunting memories away?

Why do the past memories return just when i think i've succeeded in banishing them?

No.

No.

I will not think of you anymore.

No.


““Are you all right?” I asked him.
“I’m better off than you are,” he replied sincerely.
“I meant your shoulder. I had thought…”
“Wrenched, but not broken. Much better than your heart.”
A quick bantering of witty words. I had not known he could weight a jest with so much sympathy. The kindness pushed me to the edge of breaking. “I don’t know what to do,” I said brokenly. “How can I live with this?””
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" - Edgar Bergen

“It’s revolving.
Revolving…
If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.
We’re helpless.
All we want is power.
Even if we can’t protect others by extending our hands, we desire a blade for those hands to grasp.”
- Ichigo in Bleach Episode 109: “Ichigo and Rukia, Thoughts Revolving Around Heaven”

Daikin, the air-conditioning supplier, hosted a Chinese New Year party on Monday at VivoCity. Naturally, my boss was invited. But he had another dinner to go to on the same day, along with our other directors. So Daniel and I went on their behalf.

We were hoping to get to know some of the developers so that they would hire us for future projects. Unfortunately, most of the crowd were senior management and everyone knew everyone. Daniel and I were lost and only made small talk to the people beside us. In the end, we only got to know our competitors / peers, depending on your point of view. :p

Ah well. At least we had a good time. :)

-----

My boss has scheduled Daniel and I to take an ISO course. Daniel is to go in March, while mine is in April. The reason why we always take different dates, is because of the lack of staff.

If both of us were to go at the same time and should something cropped up in both our projects, my boss would be very very short-handed. >.<

-----

Somehow, i feel that i'm moving forwards in this job. It has been, what, six months since i got this job and i've never stopped learning. The Daikin party was an eye-opener to how the industry ran and now, i'm up for an ISO course so that i can become an ISO auditor (although i fail to see how a two-day course can miraculously make me an ISO auditor >.<).

So far so good then.

-----

While talking to an electrical contractor on the phone, he asked where i had worked before. I get this question all the time. People seem to assume that i'm experienced. -.-

Naturally, i answered that i'm a fresh graduate. His reply, unlike the normal reply i get which is: Oh, so you're a fresh grad, was, "Wah. You're a fresh grad ah? But you talk like you have a lot of experience."

I'm not sure if that was a compliment, or a hint to me that i should know my place. -.-

Ah well, what the heck. I'm just doing my job.

-----

Chinese New Year is just a couple of hours away. Our company received about 11 hampers and yesterday, we took turns to draw lots and see who were the lucky ones. I was the first to draw and got a hamper, albeit one that had lots of wine bottles (a grand total of six bottles in one hamper >.<). Hopefully, its a sign of good fortune to come. :)

While waiting for transport back home (i couldn't possibly take a bus or train home while carrying the hamper >.<), i read the various CNY cards on display at our reception counter. One of them came from a contractor whom i worked with on one of our projects, and the card was addressed to: Mr William Ng and Mr Jason.

I had thought festive cards would usually be addressed to my boss only. But it appears that i've made sufficient impression, so much so that the contractor remembers me. Happy me. :)

May everyone have a happy and prosperous Chinese New Year.

“The wind lifted her thick hair just as I used to and slid its hand along the curve of her warm neck and jaw. Her eyes went suddenly wide. Then tears brimmed them.
“No,” she said aloud. “No. I won’t think of you anymore. No.””
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

"If we could not forget, we would never be free from grief." - Bahya Ibn Paquda

““It is what I feel for him. He must be first in my life. He needs that from me. Understand this. It is not that I no longer care for you. It is that I cannot put that feeling ahead of what is best for him.” She went down two more steps.
“Goodbye, Newboy.” She no more than breathed those final words, but they sank into my heart as if branded there.”
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

You left me.

You have found another.

Although i nearly went mad with grief,

Although my heart still yearns for you,

Although i am trying my best to forget you,

Although i miss you badly,

Although i want to hate you but i can't,

““What can I give you, what can I tell you to make you understand what you are to me? I can’t just let you go!”
“No more can you make me stay,” she pointed out in a low voice. I felt something go out of her. Some anger, some spirit, some will. I have no word for it.
“Please,” she said, and the word hurt me, because she begged. “Just let me go. Don’t make it hard. Don’t make me cry.””
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

Although i want you back,

Although i still think of you constantly,

Although i still love you,

I wish you all the best.

I hope you'll be happier with him than you were with me.

I hope you live a happy life.

“I do not know what I looked like, only that she looked aside as if she could not bear it.”
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

-----

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.