"Well has it been said that there is no grief like the grief which does not speak." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

As i stepped into the store, i told myself that i'm just going in to see if they had the books i wanted, and that once i found those books, i would buy them and leave straight away. Liar. You are really hoping to see her, the small voice inside me sneered. Perhaps. But i really want to buy those books, i answered lamely.

As i wandered through the bookshelves, i glanced about, hoping to catch some glimpse of her. When i reached the Fantasy / Science Fiction section, i began looking for the books i want. Occasionally, i would glance about to see if i could spot her.

Sure enough. After a while, i saw a customer asking her something. I saw her lovely head nodding and peeping out of the top of a low bookshelf, as she explained to the customer. I caught a glance of her beautiful face as she turned away to resume her duties.

Trembling slightly, i approached her. I told myself, i'm just going to confirm if that was her. The small voice inside me remained silent.

It was her as she knelt down to sort the various books. It was her beautiful form as she did her duties. It was beyond a shadow of doubt, her.

I fled.

I went back to looking for my books, hoping she would see me and approach me. All the time, i played through the various responses that i would give if she should see and speak to me. Some responses were bitter, some responses were cool and collected, some responses were broken-hearted.

But nay, she didn't see me. You should have approached her, the small voice inside me hissed. Coward. Chicken. Fine, i'll go find her and speak to her, i retorted back. I took the books i wanted and went to find her again, for she had left her earlier position.

As i searched for her, i started to become feverish. Shivers started to run through my body. I felt as if i was drug addict going through cold turkey, and that i was just about to kick the habit completely when i'm offered the drug again and i trembly reached for it.

She was at a counter, talking to another customer. She gestured to him the direction of the book he wanted, and led the way. All this time, i looked from a distance and followed silently. She turned into one of the alleys and showed the customer where the book was. She looked as lovely and as beautiful as ever. My heart ached to hold her in my arms again.

Job done, she turned to walk back to the counter to resume her duties. The dreaded moment had arrived, and all the responses that i had prepared were lost to the whirlwind of emotions i felt.

"Hi! How are you doing?" She smiled as she saw me and approached me. "Been doing some shopping aye?" She gestured to the books in my hand. "You here for coupon day? Do you want me to buy them for you?"

"No... No, i'm good. I... I didn't even know it was coupon day," i stammered.

"You sure? I've got some here. You can use them." She offered as she started to take out the coupons from the tag around her neck.

"No. No. I'm serious. I'm okay, really. I'll buy them on my own." I said hastily.

"So, how are you doing?" She persisted. Tears started to brim my eyes slowly as i looked down and away, "I'm as good as can be expected, i supposed." She nodded slightly.

"So i heard they matched your pay." "They matched my pay?" She looked puzzled and with a hint of dark look on her face. "This store matched your previous job pay," i explained. "Oh yes, they matched my pay. Boy, news sure travel fast, aye?" she said uneasily, her right hand played with her jeans and her legs shifting slightly. Her body language was getting nervous. "Well, i've asked around", i whispered.

"Well, i better get going." I said softly as i started towards a nearby counter. She nodded. After a few steps, she said something which i couldn't quite hear. I looked back and cock my head.

"Its good to see you." Not so good for me however, the small voice inside me whispered.

I smiled sadly and fled from her, as tears threatened to overflow my eyes.

At the counter, i rubbed my eyes furiously and dashed the tears away, determined that no one should see me in this broken state. After paying, i marched determinedly out of the store. From the corner of my eye, i could see that she was back at the counter.

That meeting with her was the wrong thing to do, the small voice inside me rebuked. I could find no response to that.

The whirlwind of emotions continued to rage inside me, as my day went on.

The Knack

This explains why we engineers are so screwed up. :D

"Hold no man responsible for what he says in his grief." - The Talmud

““I am not a changeable man,” he told me. “If I had loved her, I would love her still.”
So. It would never go away.”
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

What must i do to drive the haunting memories away?

Why do the past memories return just when i think i've succeeded in banishing them?

No.

No.

I will not think of you anymore.

No.


““Are you all right?” I asked him.
“I’m better off than you are,” he replied sincerely.
“I meant your shoulder. I had thought…”
“Wrenched, but not broken. Much better than your heart.”
A quick bantering of witty words. I had not known he could weight a jest with so much sympathy. The kindness pushed me to the edge of breaking. “I don’t know what to do,” I said brokenly. “How can I live with this?””
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" - Edgar Bergen

“It’s revolving.
Revolving…
If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.
We’re helpless.
All we want is power.
Even if we can’t protect others by extending our hands, we desire a blade for those hands to grasp.”
- Ichigo in Bleach Episode 109: “Ichigo and Rukia, Thoughts Revolving Around Heaven”

Daikin, the air-conditioning supplier, hosted a Chinese New Year party on Monday at VivoCity. Naturally, my boss was invited. But he had another dinner to go to on the same day, along with our other directors. So Daniel and I went on their behalf.

We were hoping to get to know some of the developers so that they would hire us for future projects. Unfortunately, most of the crowd were senior management and everyone knew everyone. Daniel and I were lost and only made small talk to the people beside us. In the end, we only got to know our competitors / peers, depending on your point of view. :p

Ah well. At least we had a good time. :)

-----

My boss has scheduled Daniel and I to take an ISO course. Daniel is to go in March, while mine is in April. The reason why we always take different dates, is because of the lack of staff.

If both of us were to go at the same time and should something cropped up in both our projects, my boss would be very very short-handed. >.<

-----

Somehow, i feel that i'm moving forwards in this job. It has been, what, six months since i got this job and i've never stopped learning. The Daikin party was an eye-opener to how the industry ran and now, i'm up for an ISO course so that i can become an ISO auditor (although i fail to see how a two-day course can miraculously make me an ISO auditor >.<).

So far so good then.

-----

While talking to an electrical contractor on the phone, he asked where i had worked before. I get this question all the time. People seem to assume that i'm experienced. -.-

Naturally, i answered that i'm a fresh graduate. His reply, unlike the normal reply i get which is: Oh, so you're a fresh grad, was, "Wah. You're a fresh grad ah? But you talk like you have a lot of experience."

I'm not sure if that was a compliment, or a hint to me that i should know my place. -.-

Ah well, what the heck. I'm just doing my job.

-----

Chinese New Year is just a couple of hours away. Our company received about 11 hampers and yesterday, we took turns to draw lots and see who were the lucky ones. I was the first to draw and got a hamper, albeit one that had lots of wine bottles (a grand total of six bottles in one hamper >.<). Hopefully, its a sign of good fortune to come. :)

While waiting for transport back home (i couldn't possibly take a bus or train home while carrying the hamper >.<), i read the various CNY cards on display at our reception counter. One of them came from a contractor whom i worked with on one of our projects, and the card was addressed to: Mr William Ng and Mr Jason.

I had thought festive cards would usually be addressed to my boss only. But it appears that i've made sufficient impression, so much so that the contractor remembers me. Happy me. :)

May everyone have a happy and prosperous Chinese New Year.

“The wind lifted her thick hair just as I used to and slid its hand along the curve of her warm neck and jaw. Her eyes went suddenly wide. Then tears brimmed them.
“No,” she said aloud. “No. I won’t think of you anymore. No.””
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

"If we could not forget, we would never be free from grief." - Bahya Ibn Paquda

““It is what I feel for him. He must be first in my life. He needs that from me. Understand this. It is not that I no longer care for you. It is that I cannot put that feeling ahead of what is best for him.” She went down two more steps.
“Goodbye, Newboy.” She no more than breathed those final words, but they sank into my heart as if branded there.”
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

You left me.

You have found another.

Although i nearly went mad with grief,

Although my heart still yearns for you,

Although i am trying my best to forget you,

Although i miss you badly,

Although i want to hate you but i can't,

““What can I give you, what can I tell you to make you understand what you are to me? I can’t just let you go!”
“No more can you make me stay,” she pointed out in a low voice. I felt something go out of her. Some anger, some spirit, some will. I have no word for it.
“Please,” she said, and the word hurt me, because she begged. “Just let me go. Don’t make it hard. Don’t make me cry.””
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

Although i want you back,

Although i still think of you constantly,

Although i still love you,

I wish you all the best.

I hope you'll be happier with him than you were with me.

I hope you live a happy life.

“I do not know what I looked like, only that she looked aside as if she could not bear it.”
- “Royal Assassin” by Robin Hobb

-----

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking." - Harold Fricklestein

When you have worked in the office till 10pm for two consecutive days to rush for something, you know that either/both of the below is true:

1. That work has taken over your life and your social life is in the pits.
2. That whoever gave you that last-minute job is a farking inconsiderate and unreasonable bastard/bitch*
   

* - Delete where applicable

I'm so worn out that i seriously think that someone can just sweep my remains off the floor and dump them into the trash. (-.-)

-----

Updated: 9 February 2007
I would like to revise my statement from "...worked in the office till 10pm for two consecutive days..." to "worked in the office till 10pm for two consecutive days, and then till 11.40pm on the third day..."

Honestly, this is really ridiculous. I only reached home after midnight, sharing a cab with my colleague. Good thing i don't have to work this weekend so i can rest up somewhat. :p

The Day Electricity Died On Me...

“Who wills,
Can.
Who tries,
Does.
Who loves,
Lives.”
- “Dragonsong” by Anne McCaffrey


Yesterday morning, i woke up to find:

The battery on my watch had died...

The battery on my handphone had died...

The battery on my MP3 Player had died...

... ...

(-.-)

What is this?! Is this the End-Of-The-World?! Is this the dreaded Horseman Of Apocalypse which heralds the death of electricity and hence, the world?! *hollers, "Run for your lives! Electricity has died! Its the END!"*

Fortunately, the MRT and computers still work. Now, please excuse me. I need to go fill up my devices with some electricity. :D

-----

Today begins my War-On-Flab.

For too long, i have let Laziness, Lethargy and Inactive rule me. For too long, i have suffered their cruel ministrations and mockery. For too long, i have been chained by their power and mastery.

But now, the line is drawn.

I will suffer no longer! I will not sit by and let them ruin my life! I will not let the Flab overtake my body! I WILL fight for my freedom! I WILL fight for my health! I WILL fight for my fitness!

Today is the day! The day i fight with the might of Jogging and the prowess of Determination! This day shall be known as Flab-Fighting-Day!

And so, the war has began... :D

-----

Yes, i know i don't sound quite sane.

Then again, who is? :D

“Revolving…
If fate is a wheel, we are the cogs that drive it.
We have no choice, but to believe that this wheel is flawless and forge on ahead.
The power of the individual cogs and their destination…
… And the blade that is brought down upon them”
- Rukia in Bleach Episode 109: "Ichigo and Rukia, Thoughts Revolving Around Heaven"